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Birds, Bees & Butts



Yeah. This happened last night.

Xander no longer believes that babies come out of women’s butts. That’s right – butts. For the past few months, he has been operating under the assumption that babies are born out of butts. Not sure where he formulated this hypothesis, ‘but’ being scared-shit (no pun intended) to enter into the birds/bees/butts convo, I did not correct him.

Last night, only moments before bedtime, my brave, courageous, and handsome husband took the plunge and explained that babies do not enter the world via butts, but instead, they are born out of baginas.

According to Alex’s account, the conversation happened while putting Xander to bed. Xander wanted to hear the story (again) of the night he was born and how everything went down. Typically, this story focuses on who was in the room when it happened, who said what, who did what, and who cut what. Last night, he was more interested in his butt-birth. As Xander listened to Alex’s clarification of bagina- vs. butt-birth, Xander found it unbelievable that women choose to continue with baginal births vs that from the back door. His logic: If chickens poop eggs, why can’t ladies poop babies?

Now, it's been a number of years since I’ve traveled into Bagina Country (or any of her outlying counties), ‘but’ I still think this is the optimal birthing territory compared to the alternative. This morning, after his bagel, Xander decided to school me on how babies are born. As I expressed my shock and surprise at this newfound wisdom, he reminded me that he is still miffed at me because, after many requests, I have not provided him an opportunity to view a bagina close-up.

I now realize that when he enters high school, I will need to change my daily stemware from goblet to martini.

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