A Tragic Tail

February 20, 2020

There is no doubt that my handsome husband is a man of many talents - successful attorney, incredible father, creative genius, including: costume designer, stain glass artist, furniture restorer, etc.

But there is one thing he is NOT - NOT by any stretch of the imagination - HE IS NOT A DOG GROOMER Please note the caps as I am shouting this from the rooftops.

Here's how this story starts. A few nights ago, he came home exclaiming, "I am going to save us lots of money!" Let's face it, we all know that when a spouse/SO headlines with an opening statement like this whopper, the conversation is sure to head south.

He proudly pulled out his shiny new purchase. He smiled broadly and presented his newest toy - a DELUXE Pet Grooming kit. Amazingly, somewhere in the time it took him from leaving his office to arriving home, he became a self-proclaimed Pet Groomer extraordinaire. I did not share his enthusiasm, especially when I saw the hit to the AMEX card, but said a silent prayer to St Francis of Assisi (Patron Saint of Animals) praying that this too would pass.

It did not pass. Sadly, last night Shelby, our loveable GoldenDoodle, was victimized in his delusional attempt to groom her.

This is how the travesty went down.

6:00 pm A: "Honey, I am going to cut Shelby's hair" C: "I don't think that's a good idea." A: "These are really good clippers, she will look great."

7:00 pm (Alex and Shelby have been hunkered down in our bathroom for an hour) C: "How's it going in there?" A: "She's really matted. I started with a 4, now need to go down to a 3" C: "I don't think this is a good idea." A: "These are really good clippers, She will look fine."

8:00 pm (I peak-in to check the disaster-in-process) C: "How's it going in here?" A: "It's worse than I thought. Had to move down to 2. She's full of knots." C: "This is not a good idea. She's all uneven. I'll make her an appointment with the groomer on Monday" A: "Nooo!! These are really good clippers. She will look good."

9:00 pm C: "How's it going in here?" (Shelby looks up at me. Her sad, brown eyes scream 'HELP!') A: "Oh man, her ears and tail are a mess. This is a lot of work." C: "This is a bad idea." A: "These are really good clippers. She will be ok."

9:45 pm (Alex and Shelby walk into the living room. Shelby is visibly humiliated) A: "What do you think?" 8 yo: "She looks like a STRAY!" C: "OMG. She looks homeless." A: "But, these are really good clippers" C: "Alex, I just bought a really good pair of kitchen shears but that does not give me license to perform vasectomies."

And the tail. I just can't.

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